5F0D0E31-0146-4875-94AD-08180F5BEEB2Though I was in Hawaii a little over a month ago, part of my consciousness still lingers there…

I recently feel so boldly awake with a creative / destructive presence that I associate with Pele.

Pele is the fire goddess of Hawaii. She manifests in fire, lightening, wind, volcanoes, & is believed to be the creator of the Hawaiian islands. 

Her presence is sublime & sensorily engulfing. 

The kind of humbling presence that shatters every attachment, but only for the purpose thrusting you toward greater authenticity. 

In the dim light, the only clear words I can see on the back of a friend’s shirt are “cannot suppress.” Is that a threat or a gentle suggestion? I could feel the cosmos giggle at me a little.

The planet feels very on the verge of something…..or maybe it’s just the in between anticipation space of winter and spring

What have you been feeling today?




Life has recently felt like being just half a second ahead of an all consuming tidal wave. Dancing, breathing, & a mostly healthy relationship with stimulating plants, like coffee and cacao have aided me in these demanding moments, though I feel adrenal exhaustion approaching.

Being in classes that repeatedly stress the ecological crisis created and amplified by my own species weighs heavily on the subconscious. How am I supposed to relax when the Earth is dying? How can I shift so quickly into laughter and play when species are dwindling, when water bodies are degrading, and when everything seems to be the fault of a perceived superiority over the rest of the planet? It feels a lot like if I don’t take responsibility, then who will?

Just as I am on the verge of crumbling, a slow and all pervading stillness finds me.

On a candlelit night of singing lullabies to myself, while sipping on rose and tulsi tea, I pull a card from an Osho deck that makes me giggle. It’s an image of an adorable bearded man holding a praying mantis in his hand. The theme is about the innocence that emerges when we drop every conceptual framework that has been instilled within us.

“Zen says that if you drop knowledge–and within knowledge everything is included, your name, your identity, everything, because this has been given to you by others, you will have a totally different quality to your being-innocence. This will be a crucification of the persona, the personality, and there will be a resurrection of your innocence, you will become a child again, reborn.”

Perhaps one solution lies in innocence. Yes-we need every compelled person to mitigate our mistakes, but we still need to move deeper into the root of our species’ behavior, which could be a lack of honoring and celebrating the magic of this planet, while it is still here. Innocence allows for play in the midst of much suffering; it is innocence that emerges at the realization of the baffling miracle of existence.

With these thoughts, I soften into a deep sleep of sparkling and playful dreams.

What are the things that restore innocence in your life?

Paranoia on the Big Island

The world was darkening and we were ready to sleep. We had slept in the car the night before in a street lamp lit parking lot. Sensitive to every sight and sound, moments of actual sleep were rare and I found the boundary between dreamworld and “reality” to be indiscernible. I imagine this extreme paranoia has some adaptive advantage for our species, but it often leaves me feeling frazzled and delirious.
So we decided to avoid recreating that scenario by finding a place to camp. The best thing we could find was a mostly dark beach tightly nestled against a busy main road.
There were no signs explicitly stating not to camp, so we settled.
The sounds of rushing waves nearly drowned out everything else, but my body was left cold without a sleeping bag or a mat. I’m not sure why I neglected to bring those things..perhaps it was my assumption was that I was in Hawaii world where things seem to manifest as you need them, which is valid, but it’s also a place that lets you feel the rawness of existence–of being uncertain, cold, and exhausted against a rough patch of Earth.
There were moments of a flickering sleep, until around 4am. I heard someone and could see their headlamp wandering through the beach. I got out of the tent, leaving behind my sleeping friend and got inside the car to warm up. Through the rear-view mirrors, I could see this person digging through trash-bags, walking to their car, and back again. Part of my mind tried to find consoling thoughts, but yet again my animal senses heightened and I felt extreme anxiety.
I watched closer as they communicated with someone in another vehicle. I tried to sink down and not be seen. The vehicle then pulled up next to my car, paused parallel, then drove away-honking its horn repetitively.
Every cell in my body said to abandon the situation. I drove away as quickly as I could, semi-guilty that my friend was still asleep in the tent.
Immediately, I felt safe—and delusional. The world was still dark and nothing was open, except for a gas station. I rested there for nearly an hour, sipping on some coffee until I felt ready to confront the situation..and to hopefully find my friend still peacefully sleeping.
Yep-there he was.
It was 6am and the sky was dappled with serene hues of pinks and blues. Somehow everything softened into innocence.
Everything from the previous few hours seemed like a comedy and though in the moment felt entirely vivid and authentic, I’m not positive that it was.
This is part of sharing genes with a “paranoid schizophrenic” mother. That term is extremely vague and subjective, but I think at the root it is mere sensitivity. All experiences are valid, but when the typically unseen & unfelt of one world merge with this “reality,” it can be sensory overload.
Do you struggle with moments of felt insanity or paranoia? I encouraged shared stories~~~